Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Fishy Business

Fish are an important part of dietary health. Everyone should get free ones from anywhere.

NEW YORK (TotallySeriousNewsCorps)- Mayor Bloomberg passed a mandate yesterday obliging every restaurant in New York City to serve fish. Vegan groups are somewhat upset.

Karen Suilebes, the mayor’s Food and Drink Service Secretary, released the decision at 1:00 PM yesterday afternoon. The mandate requires that every restaurant in the city  must also offer fish as part of their menu. Although it was originally thought that the mandate would have an exception for eateries with moral objections, the exception will only apply to eateries that exclusively serve people of the same dietary ideology. All restaurants in violation of this will have one year to comply. The mayor is rumored to have called John Beanstalk, owner of Garden Grown Vegetables restaurant, to inform him of the decision.

“Why is our mayor forcing us to violate our consciences in this way?” asked the small-business owner. “This is a clear violation of my Constitutional rights. My beliefs don’t allow me to serve fish, and I don’t understand why that can’t be respected.”

“Every New Yorker has the right to a succulent fish,” proclaimed the mayor to thunderous applause. “If you don’t like fish, don’t eat them! Each customer should have the right to choose for himself or herself if she or he wants to eat fish. Restaurants can’t have a conscience. That’s silly. Each individual customer has a conscience. Besides, I know tons of vegetarians that eat fish, so this clearly isn’t a big issue.”


Some customers are happy at this news. “I’ve been going to Nothing But Green restaurant for years, and they never give me fish,” complained a man eating a bucket of popcorn shrimp.

“Why don’t you go somewhere else and eat fish?” asked Maria Jones, the owner of Nothing But Green.
“SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU HATE FISH-EATERS” responded the man.

“Fish are a fundamental part of dietary health, and we can’t allow antiquated beliefs to get in the way of fish-eating,” wrote Darcy Thomas, the president of New Yorkers for Free Fish.

“If it’s so important to you, why don’t you go buy fish from a fish market? We’re not stopping you. We’re just trying to follow our own beliefs. I thought you could do that in America,” replied a protester from the sidewalk. “There are hundreds of vegan restaurants in New York, and many would rather close than violate our beliefs. Think of the damage that the sudden stopping of our services would provide. Sure, many people think eating fish is fine, and maybe they don’t care. But if we allow this restriction on our freedom to take effect, what’s next? When the first person’s freedom is trodden on, we’re all damaged. Now that the conscience of one group doesn’t seem to matter, what’s to stop them from doing the same to others? Will Kosher restaurants have to sell cheeseburgers? Will free-trade stores have to sell items made by exploited workers? Will they dictate what parents must feed their children? Will Catholic priests have to distribute contraceptives? What’s next?” 

“Doesn’t affect me, don’t care,” responded approximately all of the rest of the citizenry.
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To find out more about the contraception mandate:
Copyright © 2012 David Birkdale

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